This may or may not be my backpack from childhood. I may or may not have passed it down like a family heirloom.
Is it more picture-worthy than a Strawberry Shortcake sleeping bag or Dukes of Hazzard¹ sleeper pjs, or an E.T. pillowcase? No. But all of those treasures are lost, sadly. This is probably a good thing because I don’t think anyone could have convinced me that I grew out of those D of H pajamas. And one look at that sleeping bag would convince me I’d been roofied. See for yourself:
Nice Dreams
Her friends were Angel Cake and Ginger Snap. (munchies?) And oh yes, Plum Puddin’, the first transgendered American Greetings character (hopefully not the last) who identified as a boy in the t.v. special but transitioned to a girl as a doll. Sadly, some didn’t make the figurine cut, namely, Raisin Cane. I’m going to admit this to you now: I wanted to BE Lime Chiffon. Who is now called “Lime Light”? Travesty.
Actually, there were a lot of disconcerting inconsistencies. The dolls’ heads were supposed to smell like their namesake flavor, but they all smelled the same. Coincidence? Raspberry Tart, or Torte by the time she became a doll, had a pet monkey who morphed into a raccoon? (Here, now she has a raccoon…Don’t ask any questions!) Apple Dumplin’s turtle, Teatime, was replaced by a suitcase or something. How am I not supposed to feel like this is some sort of dessert-themed conspiracy? You can’t hide behind that red velvet cake curtain forever!
1. The original, Dukes of Hazzard. John Schneider, yes. Sean William Scott, no.
I’m warning you. A beer won’t work. What was the last thing you fixed over a beer? The carburetor on your Camaro? (Yes I am a snob, which is why I’ve been driving a Corvair for years. It’s puce, thanks for asking. I’m keeping her as long as she runs; I don’t care what Ralph Nader says.)
Beer is not for curing (diluting?) racism. Beer is for college kids and battering fish. Why don’t the three of you call Vince Vaughn and strike up a game of Beirut? It might be difficult to hear each other over his sneering wisecracks, but don’t let his charmlessness hurt your aim. Somehow the four of you will be in a third-rate bro comedy by the end of the night.
I have an alternative.
Taste the equanimity
Schweppes bitter lemon. Watching all seven seasons of the West Wing taught me everything I know about filibustering and that Aaron Sorkin was obsessed with this drink. Did a beer convince Assistant Secretary of State Albie Duncan to spin defense for President Bartlet after the debates in the 2002 election? No.
It was also Schweppes Bitter Lemon that quenched the thirst of the fictional 40-year Republican, (who began his career at the State Department during the Truman administration), when he advised President Bartlet to have patience during a military crisis. When an American spy submarine suddenly went silent in hostile North Korean waters they needed to decide whether to notify the enemy or attempt a risky, secret rescue. SBL kept the white-haired heads of the White House cool (you know, the opposite of people who watch all 7 seasons of the West Wing).
I realize not everyone watched the West Wing. Some people weren’t born yet or didn’t have tv’s or brains. Maybe beer can douse this fiery race-related tension like its doused so many wet t-shirt contestants before it. Now that I think about it, nothing brings people together like a kegstand (I’m looking at you, VP Biden.) Plus you can’t say “Schweppesbitterlemon me”. A beer might work, just make sure it is not warm.
Since President Obama’s parents are away, let’s round up a few more people for this meeting: 400 grimy hipsters straight out of Wburg who ironically brought their own PBRs; Marty Crane and few Ballantines; Homer Simpson with a case of Duff; Peter Griffin and some Pawtucket ales; the country Germany; the cast of Cheers (except Kirsty Allie); D12; Samuel Adams; and also Snoop Dog (he’s bringing a 40, but he prefers gin&juice).
OMG Jello shots and jungle juice on the White House lawn!
Dear Orphan Casting Director Ronnie Yeskel, you have made a huge mistake. This was supposed to be a horror movie right? I thought you wanted to scare people–talk about a missed opportunity.
Why didn’t you cast Peter Sarsgaard as the orphan? He’s just wasting perfectly normal and uncreepy space as the father. Were you unaware that Peter Sarsgaard was in your movie? Here’s a tip for making a scary movie, Hollywood. Step one, get a ridiculous script with lots of holes and tons of gore. Then, FIND PETER SARSGAARD.
What went wrong? You followed the formula for the first two steps. Then what did you do? You threw him away. The father! Why? There better be one heck of a twist in the end, where it turns out Peter Sargaard is using mind-control on that tween. Last shot: A camera panning over dark woods and Sarsgaard’s unearthly voice whispering softly about why he was born in Illinois but maintains a Southern drawl.
The Senate Judiciary hearings with Judge Sonia Sotomayor are over, but don’t worry the full season comes out on DVD August 10th. This includes bonus footage of Judge Sotomayor demonstrating nunchucks on Sen. Tom Coburn and behind-the-scenes bloopers of Sen. Arlen Specter referring to himself as a Whig.
The confirmation process, however, is far from finished. There is still a full Senate floor debate and, of course, the vote (text Soto to 8779). I am sure at times this is a harrowing ordeal for Judge Sotomayor. This is why I think it will be useful for me to share with her what I learned from my confirmation.
Hi Judge Sotomayor! First thing’s first, you have to pick a Saint’s name. Don’t listen to any new wave dunces who advise you to choose your own name. Do you really want to be Judge Sonia Maria Sonia Sotomayor? My younger sister is stuck with Emily Rose Emily for life. I chose Barnabas, after Barnabas Collins on Dark Shadows.¹ This choice was promptly rejected by both my parents, Father Midori, and Sister Francine the head of the CCD.
So, I went with Michael instead.
Step two you completed head of time, which is so like a Yale student (Good Job!). You already have your sponsor. I chose my aunt, but The President of the United States is okay too. He’s not a Catholic but neither was Jesus (and the Vatican loves them both).
Now you just need a dress. No matter who you are, you are not going to be Confirmed in a pantsuit (I tried). After your Confirmation, you should probably throw a big party at your house. It will be decidedly less cool than a Bat Mitzvah and no one will get souvenir boxers. Take heart, you will have a delightful cake and most likely a seat on the United States Supreme Court. I hope this helps!
1.
2. Remake alert! Warner Bros. is making a movie of this series shooting starts 2009.
here. They have many sauces for you to choose from, although I highly recommend Parmesan peppercorn or Especial sauce, which I suspect is actually just mayo and Flintstones vitamins.
Hello and welcome to my website on the World Wide Web.¹ I have been preparing for your arrival. I have done a lot of research in order to gently introduce you to this new environment. I got a full night’s sleep and am wearing loose fitting clothes. I placed the Blog in a rear-facing position, as it is less than 20lbs. You cannot hear me right now, but I am softly singing a lullaby² and I have covered all the electrical outlets in my apartment. (Don’t worry there are only two and one doesn’t work.)
Once you are cozy and settled with the Blog on the Front Page, feel free to crawl over to the About: A Detailed Explanation Page. There you will read about my plan to dethrone Barbara Walters and there is a picture of a typewriter you may find pleasing to your senses. Later, maybe after a nap, navigate (as if through a warm canal) to the longer stories located in the Compendium. I suggest you start with Ice Cream Truck; it tends to go down easiest.
If after you arrive here you cry for 1-5 hours straight, do not worry, this is perfectly normal. Just remember, whatever you do don’t leave yourself alone with any household pets. Thank you for coming, the Blog will be updated often and longer writing on the other Pages will be updated less often. I’m using a green font because I didn’t know if you’d be a boy or a girl. I hope you like it but, more than that, I hope you like me. I’m registered at Bloomingdale’s.
P.S. I bought an $1100 Stokke Xplory stroller,
Holy Roller!
but that’s just for me. It turns out it’s now cheaper than a Metrocard. I can’t steer it but it stores 11 baby yogurt packs and allows me to make eye contact with whoever is pushing me.
1. This distinguishes it from any website on Internet II.¹
2. The lullaby is not creepy.
This song made its home in my head more than 15 years ago. Mainly a quiet tenant, she only pipes up with occasional outbursts when I order take-out. We’ve learned to live with each other. And now you will learn too.
Like most of you, I have had several yarn emergencies over the years.
Most times the yarn will trip over the dog or shove necco candy buttons up its left nostril. Once the yarn will burn its tongue on hot cocoa at a Mets game, but that is more of an urgent situation than a technical emergency.
Every single yarn emergency, I walked myself the yarn to the emergency room at St. Luke’s Roosevelt. This course of action is now obsolete. Hooray for this news.
I saw two men jump into the East River over Fourth of July weekend. The spot they chose was 500 meters from a public pool. I’m guessing they were really, really hot.
Over the years people have done a lot for the glory. Several World Series of Poker rounds, a few games of basement Kerplunk, and five NCAA Division II Badminton Championships have been won for the glory. Also, thousands of Thanksgiving dinners have been prepared and cooked entirely for the glory.¹ Personally, the last thing I did for the glory may have been riding inside the Ben and Jerry’s Pig mobile. Also, fighting in the Civil war. I had a brother on either side so my time at Antietam was mainly glory-motivated, as well as completely imaginary.
Most notably Peter Cetera released an entire album for the glory. Specifically, for the glory of “Glory of Love”, which was the single released for the glory of the The Karate Kid, Part II. Statistically, this was the best glory-driven song from a film in 1986. Unless you count Yello’s “Oh Yeah” from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. And I do.
1. The Thanksgiving desserts however, are prepared for bragging rights alone.
Ah Summer, it hasn’t really arrived until Country Time Lemonade commercials have told me that it’s almost over. Those slow, dusty images of laughter in the golden sun lulled me into a false sense of security. I would curl up for a snooze in my mental hammock. Then, that gentle-voiced announcer would BRING THE HAMMER DOWN, announcing there were only 30 days left of summer. Coming from an official sponsor, that really stung.
This is the second reason I hate lemonade. The first involves sitting at the end of a rural driveway waiting for customers. The third involves Tom Collins—the man, not the drink. However, serve me an Arnold Palmer (the drink or the man) and you’ve got a friend for life.
P.S. If you’re confused it’s because I could not find video of this ad anywhere. I just found one with similar images and the same announcer. If you find me video of the ad to which I refer, I will send you a prize. Yes, it absolutely will be a coupon for Country Time Lemonade
