So, you’ve heard by now that Oprah is ending her talk show in 2011. But have you connected the dots?
She’s going to live her best life all over your face. Do you think she had F. G. Palin on the show to promote Going Rouge? Do the math. She was doing opposition research. Oprah’s show finishes Sept. 2011, just in time for her campaign for President of the United States. Oprah ‘12! It’s finally happening.
I know what you’re thinking: how can Gayle King possibly have time to be VP when she’s too busy protecting parents from talking to their kids about self-stimulation?
Well, there’s something you should know. You might have heard Gayle King’s middle name was Oprah, but what you don’t know is Oprah’s middle name is Gail. Go ahead, rearrange the letters. That’s right, Gayle. They are, in fact, one person. Have you ever seen the two of them in the same room? I didn’t think so.
Long story short, someone else is in line for VP. Someone who knows a thing or two about a thing or two. Someone who Oprah can introduce with pride. Have you guessed yet?
STOLEN BALLS! I don’t usually watch the Daily Show, but I do keep it on in the background when I’m tightening my doorknobs. That is how I found out my Ball Post was stolen. When I called the police to report my stolen ball post they kept insisting they could not help me. It turns out “212 hot cops” is not the number for any official NYPD precinct. Disappointing.
I am behind the times. I’ve been playing catch up ever since I learned about exploding whales. Now I find out that playing baseball for the New York Yankees and winning the World Series was Alex Rodriguez’s Plan B. Plan A? Being a Centaur.
What else have I missed? How can I stay on top of my game? I’m just going to start making things up because, chances are some of it will be true. Did you know Rush Limbaugh’s fingernails sprout arms and legs and run away after he clips them? Or that Matthew Modine is an incredible tennis player? Or that the inventor of Donkey Kong just married a 78th year old woman. The twist? The inventor of Donkey Kong is a 78 year-old woman.
While it is fun typing these completely random and fictitious statements as they pop into my head (Matthew Modine, why is he in my brain? I had to Google him after I wrote that sentence) I worry. I am not worried about being sued by my ten readers or Shigeru Miyamoto. I am worried about nailing it and then having the United States government after me.
I’ve seen The Net, so I know how these things go. One minute you’re on vacation in Mexico, the next your name is Ruth Marx and you’re a murderer! For your own safety, never hold ctrl and shift while clicking Π. These things happen all the time. Don’t you know why Hitchcock made two versions of The Man Who Knew Too Much? Let’s just say the first version ruffled a few feathers. And the second version groomed them. And then North by Northwest ruffled them again.
Hitchcock double-ruffled the U.S. Government.
So they killed him.
Okay fine they didn’t kill him. But they did get Big Brother to beat him up good. The twist? Big Brother is Alfred Hitchcock’s actual big brother, William J. Hitchcock, Jr. His secret service codename? Centaur.
Why do we have three prime-time shows about cake and only one about exploding whales?
Not one time in Cake Boss, Ace of Cakes, or Amazing Wedding Cakes have any of the cakes detonated. I want it raining butter creme and Royal icing shrapnel all over Baltimore City.
Last night, I encountered something truly incredible: National Geographic Channel’s The Whale That Exploded[!]. Apparently, in January 2004, a 50-ton dead sperm whale took its own life. It spontaneously combusted all over a Taiwanese City centerthrough “its own internal forces”. (You see, Whales can’t escape death, taxes, or post-death internal forces.)This is worth watching for the re-enactment alone.
The story does have a happy ending though, thanks to the folks at Extreme Home Makeover. They rebuilt the whale for a family who had not one, but two children with red hair. The Malinowski family now enjoys their 8-bedroom bi-level ranch inside the former, former sperm whale. Mrs. Malinowski thanked the folks at Sears, Ty Pennington, God, and the city of Tainan, Taiwan. “It was as if an angel came down from Heaven and blew that dead whale up himself.” Her one complaint? The seagulls persist.
For those interested in something non-miraculous, below is a video of a less-autonomous gut renovation.
My greatest mouse fear is coming true! Situations like these are precisely what I purchased Mouse Trap to avoid. The Ideal Toy Company duped a lot of innocent suckers; the list now includes me, Delta Air Lines, and Garfield (though who the hell knows why he was using it to catch lasagna?)
When will they finally be caught in their Rube Goldberg machine of deception?
You won! Congratulations on being inducted into the National Toy Hall of Fame. It was a hard fought race and it just goes to show you, every election can’t be bought. Mayor Bloomberg ran a tough campaign—but it turns out he is just not as fun to play with as balls. Here is an excerpt from his concession speech:
“Ya know, I have to hand it to balls. I spent 100 million dollars trying to get elected mayor and only 90 million trying to beat out balls for the Toy Hall of Fame. That was a mistake; funds and energy were unwisely allocated. Also, I believe my campaign failed to drive home just how much fun it would be to hit me with a bat.
…but balls are what the people want right now. I have to trust in the democratic system and serve the public in my own small way, as mayor of New York City.”
I’m not sure an extra 10 million dollars would have convinced me that I’d enjoy tossing Mayor Bloomberg around with a friend. Unless he used the money to change his bones and muscles into rubber, but I’m pretty sure that would be more like an extra 30 million.
Honestly, Mayor Bloomberg just never recovered from the September debate when he showed up covered in glitter. That’s where you really took him, balls. Rather than taking plays from your playbook, the Mayor should have focused on his own strengths—education and the ability to wear a suit.
Regardless, you ran a strong campaign and I really appreciated the free exchange of ideas. You really raised good points about Mayor Bloomberg not fitting through regulation baskets, but you never went after him for only coming in one color. It’s nice to see clean politics after watching John Corzine drag Legos through the mud two years ago.
What I want to know is what exactly is all the “drama” they can do without? Why does that man seem chemically unbalanced? What larger, more human things has he killed when he “freaked”.
Don’t worry, it’s “guaranteed to kill the mice”. The mice literally do not have a shred of hope for survival. Ortho’s patented last twenty minutes of Scarface design was rigged from all the retainers the engineer’s thirteen-year-old never wore.
Also, I don’t buy these two individuals not wanting to touch the dead mouse. Not the way they’re waving that death tomb around all over their kitchen counter and still drinking a mug of warm beverage.
However, I have figured out why I never managed to catch any of my apartment pests. Apparently, the Ideal Toy Company is not in the extermination business. This thing is completely inefficent at killing anything besides a few hours on a rainy afternoon (and my decision-making skills). My biggest mistake was trusting a scuba diver.
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So, you’ve heard by now that Oprah is ending her talk show in 2011. But have you connected the dots?
Well, somebody finally built a better 
This thing is completely inefficent at killing anything besides a few hours on a rainy afternoon (and my decision-making skills). My biggest mistake was trusting a scuba diver.
