It’s holiday party week. Right now someone’s bra is on fire while they’re punching a drunk middle-manager in a Santa hat and the temps are loading video of it onto youtube. Maybe not right now, but this is the one week of the year when that scenario is five times more likely to occur in any cubicle above 14th street or below Houston. The village is safe… for now (see: Halloween).
Mahalo.com has some useless tips like: “Consider hiring entertainment such as a DJ to break up the awkward moments.” Mahalo.com, there are few things that will create more awkward moments than the DJ (see: little kicks! ) You obviously have no idea what you’re talking about, Mahalo.com, so I’m taking control of this situation as of five minutes ago.
Hear this: the most important thing for an office holiday party is for everyone to protect themselves from swine flu. Secondly, don’t run out of ice. Combine these two tips with the number one best office party equipment:
Yeah, that’s right: H1N1 vaccine down the Ice Luge. I know, those of you who had your parties on Monday and Tuesday are kicking yourselves right now. The best you can hope for now is that Jack Bauer kicks in your window and sprays you and your co-workers with nose mist. The second best is that you got a Nettie pot from Secret Santa.
Pittsfield, New York — A Bengal tiger is pursuing serial and clandestine extramarital affairs throughout Upstate New York. Julian E. Reynolds, an 8 year-old panthera tigris tigris, has already impregnated two formerly decent, married women of Pittsfield and is reported to have engaged in “romantic friendships” with several other women in Cardtown, Amblers Crossing and New Berlin.
Lyla Shenck- Hamberton, who met Mr. Reynolds at the K-Mart in Morris, said he was “charming, but aggressive”. Mrs. Shenck-Hamberton said “I went in for a bottle of Tide and this large jungle cat in an Ed Hardy T-shirt starts asking me about fabric softener. Then he suggested we drive down to Oneonta to grab a drink ‘some place classy’. I told him I’m married and he started saying how he ‘just needs to talked to someone about his fear of extinction’. He seemed like a real predator”.
Mr. Reynolds was spotted (and striped) yesterday getting gas in Sherbyrne. Pete Pazyniack, Mobil employee, recounted his exchange: “He said he was heading up to Utica because he was tired of ‘small-minded suburban chicks’. I asked him if he was okay with being a total scumbag. He was like ‘just let me live my life, man’. That dude slept with my step-mom, crashed my uncle’s catamaran into a dock and mauled Jimmy Thompson to death. What an a-hole.”
I’m tired of writing, it’s your turn. I’ve created you a poll. There better be some decent explanations in the comments section (Steve Sundell, I’m looking at you.). I am completely unbiased, unless you count my three month stint as campaign manager for Bulldog. I resigned after his “Sitting in the Sidewalk and Refusing to Move” scandal, last summer. He was an impossible candidate to work with: always undermining his political advisers, going off message in interviews, taking money from PACs, and of course, the drool.
Update: When I created this poll I did not expect such a slaughter. More and more it looks like Bulldog has made all the right moves. Also, it seems most people don’t believe macs with wings share their core-values.
In 2005, when MTV first aired “True Life: Jersey Shore” I knew things would never be the same. But never would have I imagined then that MTV would find an angel of the arts to act as a patron saint and fund a complete documentary series. Well, I guess I was just being cynical. Because they have:
Watching this new documentary series, part of me was mesmerized. Another part of me wanted to stab my eyes out with needles left over from the 87′ Syringe Tide. And yet there was another part of me (my clavicle?) that was darn proud. Proud, that they are dispelling stereotypes that New Jersey is just a bunch affluent suburbs, tomato farms and the 4th poorest city in America.
I am sick and tired of people always talking about New Jersey’s mineral museums in Franklin and Ogdensburg. If I hear one more mention of the scientific community, or “The Wizard of Menlo Park” and his fancy light bulbs and motion picture cameras—I’m gonna lose it. Also, enough with the duel jokes! So the founder of the National bank got shot and killed by the sitting Vice President at the heights of Weehawken, so what?
When will the world figure out that New Jersey isn’t all compelling historical events, significant inventions and great contributions to the country? New Jersey is also malls and 600 diners and yelling and saltwater taffy. MTV’s newest 12-part documentary takes us deep inside that New Jersey−a New Jersey few people have ever even heard of−and it celebrates its obscure customs, like fist-pumping and tanning. This isn’t the dignified and subtle New Jersey we see on the nightly news, splashed on cover of every newspaper and in NYC dance clubs near the Lincoln tunnel.
I, for one, want to thank MTV’s Jersey Shore educational documentary series for exposing us to something different; it is truly inspiring programming. MTV bravely sheds light on the too-often overlooked fact that the Garden State has a large Italian-American population, some of whom enjoy vacationing along the state’s Atlantic coast. It’s nice to see underrepresented images of these New Jerseyans and their esoteric ways of life. It keeps me grounded… while it simultaneously blows and hairsprays my hair straight back.
No, Cuisinart didn’t “get” to me. Just go read this new blog post I wrote for Postgradapartments.com/blog, the website that wants to broker you an offer you can’t refuse or something. My column is apparently entitled “Tales of a Real New Yorker”. This week? I pay tribute to Big Buck Hunter in my own special way. Put on your orange vest.
Coca-Cola’s North America Sparkling Beverages President Hendrik Steckhan said, “The Coca-Cola mini can is a great option for smaller thirst occasions and for calorie-conscious consumer. Our new sleek mini can supports the idea of moderation and offers people yet another way to enjoy their favorite Coca-Cola beverage.”
1.) How can I become a sparkling beverages president? My intuition tells me I will need an accent and a monocle.
2.) Finally, finally we are taking a step toward ending discrimination against people with smaller thirsts. The were born less thirsty and they have the right to baby-sip their way through existence. Life is theirs for the nursing!
I cannot wait to stamp my passport to refreshment. I want to buy the world one of these, but unfortunately for the rest of the world the Shakira of beverages will only be available in NYC and DC, for now. I will conduct a taste test and report the results. In the meantime, start saving up for Eye Dropper of Pepsi, coming to stores March 2010.
Newflash: Maniac Murders Family via Arterial Plaque.
Why is he making three roasts for dinner? Really sir, kebabs as a side? Who’s going to finish that ham? Your 46 pound daughter? “Let dad school you on myocardial infarction.” Clean up’s a snap? Sure, just dump her body in the trash and no one will distinguish between the bones of your victims and those of all the animal carcasses you fed them. Perfectly cooked alibis at the push of a button.
These next few posts will be devoted to the murderous arsenal that is Cuisinart. “Cooking appliances for professional and home—assasins.” The holidays are upon us. Gird your pork loins.
* Eric Adams (D) — YES “This is about love.”
* Joseph Addabbo (D) — NO
* James Alesi (R) — NO
* Darrel Aubertine (D) — NO
* John Bonacic (R) — NO
* Neil Breslin (D) — YES
* John DeFrancisco (R) — NO
* Ruben Diaz (D) — NO “Sen. Smith, it is better to keep your word.”
* Martin Malave Dilan (D) — YES
* Tom Duane (D) — YES
* Pedro Espada (D) — YES
* Hugh Farley (R) — NO
* John Flanagan (R) — NO
* Brian Foley (D) — YES
* Charles Fuschillo, Jr. (R) — NO
* Martin Golden (R) — NO
* Joseph Griffo (R) — NO
* Kemp Hannon (R) — NO
* Ruth Hassell-Thompson (D) — YES
* Shirley Huntley (D) — NO
* Craig Johnson (D) — YES
* Owen Johnson (R) — NO
* Jeffrey Klein (D) — YES
* Liz Krueger (D) — YES
* Carl Kruger (D) — NO
* Andrew Lanza (R) — NO
* Bill Larkin (R) — NO
* Kenneth LaValle (R) — NO
* Vincent Leibell (R) — NO
* Tom Libous (R) — NO
* Elizabeth Little (R) — NO
* Carl Marcellino (R) — NO
* George Maziarz (R) — NO
* Roy McDonald (R) — NO
* Hiram Monserrate (D) — NO
* Velmanette Montgomery (D) — YES
* Thomas Morahan (R) — NO
* Michael Nozzolio (R) — NO
* George Onorato (D) — NO
* Suzi Oppenheimer (D) — YES
* Frank Padavan (R) — NO
* Kevin Parker (D) — YES
* Bill Perkins (D) — YES
* Michael Ranzenhofer (R) — NO
* Joseph Robach (R) — NO
* Stephen Saland (R) — NO
* John Sampson (D) — YES
* Diane Savino (D) — YES
* Eric Schneiderman (D) — YES
* Jose Serrano (D) — YES
* James Seward (R) — NO
* Dean Skelos (R) — NO
* Malcolm Smith (D) — YES
* Daniel Squadron (D) — YES
* William Stachowski (D) — NO
* Toby Ann Stavisky (D) — YES
* Andrea Stewart-Cousins (D) — YES
* Antoine Thompson (D) — YES
* David Valesky (D) — YES
* Dale Volker (R) — NO
* George Winner (R) — NO
* Catherine Young (R) — NO
