Monthly Archives: December 2009

Hit the Deck the Halls

Posted on December 16, 2009 | Leave a comment

Chestnuts roasting on an open fax

It’s holiday party week. Right now someone’s bra is on fire while they’re punching a drunk middle-manager in a Santa hat and the temps are loading video of it onto youtube.  Maybe not right now, but this is the one week of the year when that scenario is five times more likely to occur in any cubicle above 14th street or below Houston.  The village is safe… for now (see: Halloween).

Mahalo.com has some useless tips like: “Consider hiring entertainment such as a DJ to break up the awkward moments.” Mahalo.com, there are few things that will create more awkward moments than the DJ (see: little kicks! ) You obviously have no idea what you’re talking about, Mahalo.com, so I’m taking control of this situation as of five minutes ago.

Hear this: the most important thing for an office holiday party is for everyone to protect themselves from swine flu.  Secondly, don’t run out of ice.  Combine these two tips with the number one best office party equipment:

Yeah, that’s right:  H1N1 vaccine down the Ice Luge.  I know, those of you who had your parties on Monday and Tuesday are kicking yourselves right now.  The best you can hope for now is that Jack Bauer kicks in your window and sprays you and your co-workers with nose mist.  The second best is that you got a Nettie pot from Secret Santa.

Stay tuned for more Holiday tips.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Advice with Cinnamon

Unfaithful Tiger Shreds Bonds of Marriage with Infidelity, Razor-sharp Claws

Posted on December 14, 2009 | 3 Comments

Move over adulterous golfers.

Pittsfield, New York — A Bengal tiger is pursuing serial and clandestine extramarital affairs throughout Upstate New York.  Julian E. Reynolds, an 8 year-old  panthera tigris tigris, has already impregnated two formerly decent, married women of Pittsfield and is reported to have engaged in “romantic friendships” with several other women in Cardtown, Amblers Crossing and New Berlin.

Lyla Shenck- Hamberton, who met  Mr. Reynolds at the K-Mart in Morris, said he was “charming, but aggressive”. Mrs. Shenck-Hamberton said “I went in for a  bottle of Tide and this large jungle cat in an Ed Hardy T-shirt starts asking me about fabric softener.  Then he suggested we drive down to Oneonta to grab a drink ‘some place classy’. I told him I’m married and he started saying how he ‘just needs to talked to someone about his fear of extinction’.  He seemed like a real predator”.

Mr. Reynolds was spotted (and striped) yesterday getting gas in Sherbyrne.  Pete Pazyniack, Mobil employee, recounted his exchange: “He said he was heading up to Utica because he was tired of ‘small-minded suburban chicks’.  I asked him if he was okay with being a total scumbag.  He was like ‘just let me live my life, man’.  That dude slept with my step-mom, crashed my uncle’s catamaran into a dock and mauled Jimmy Thompson to death.  What an a-hole.”

→ 3 Comments

Posted in Brightly burning animals

Vote Early, Vote Often

Posted on December 11, 2009 | 6 Comments

Rock the Vote, hard.

I’m tired of writing, it’s your turn. I’ve created you a poll.  There better be some decent explanations in the comments section (Steve Sundell, I’m looking at you.). I am completely unbiased, unless you count my three month stint as campaign manager for Bulldog. I resigned after his “Sitting in the Sidewalk and Refusing to Move” scandal, last summer. He was an impossible candidate to work with: always undermining his political advisers, going off message in interviews, taking money from PACs, and of course,  the drool.

Update: When I created this poll I did not expect such a slaughter.  More and more it looks like Bulldog has made all the right moves. Also, it seems most people don’t believe macs with wings share their core-values.

→ 6 Comments

Posted in Hanging chads

Postgrad

Posted on December 9, 2009 | Leave a comment

Pumpkin eater!

Looks like I strayed again.

No, Cuisinart didn’t “get” to me.  Just go read this new blog post I wrote for Postgradapartments.com/blog, the website that wants to broker you an offer you can’t refuse or something.  My column is apparently entitled “Tales of a Real New Yorker”.  This week?  I pay tribute to Big Buck Hunter in my own special way.  Put on your orange vest.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Hustling

The Ideal Brain Tonic/The Delightful Summer-Winter beverage.

Posted on December 8, 2009 | 2 Comments

The Volkswagen Coke

Holy Cokes! I know I promised more Cuisinart tirades, but I’ve just received some breaking news.

Tiny Cokes are coming!

Coca-Cola’s North America Sparkling Beverages President Hendrik Steckhan said, “The Coca-Cola mini can is a great option for smaller thirst occasions and for calorie-conscious consumer. Our new sleek mini can supports the idea of moderation and offers people yet another way to enjoy their favorite Coca-Cola beverage.”

1.) How can I become a sparkling beverages president? My intuition tells me I will need an accent and a monocle.

2.) Finally, finally we are taking a step toward ending discrimination against people with smaller thirsts.  The were born less thirsty and they have the right to baby-sip their way through existence.  Life is theirs for the nursing!

I cannot wait to stamp my passport to refreshment.  I want to buy the world one of these, but unfortunately for the rest of the world the Shakira of beverages will only be available in NYC and DC, for now.  I will conduct a taste test and report the results.  In the meantime, start saving up for Eye Dropper of Pepsi, coming to stores March 2010.

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Hustling

Choose your weapon

Posted on December 3, 2009 | Leave a comment

Time's up.

Newflash: Maniac Murders Family via Arterial Plaque.

Why is he making three roasts for dinner? Really sir, kebabs as a side? Who’s going to finish that ham? Your 46 pound daughter? “Let dad school you on myocardial infarction.”  Clean up’s a snap? Sure, just dump her body in the trash and no one will distinguish between the bones of your victims and those of all the animal carcasses you fed them. Perfectly cooked alibis at the push of a button.

These next few posts will be devoted to the murderous arsenal that is Cuisinart.  “Cooking appliances for professional and home—assasins.” The holidays are upon us. Gird your pork loins.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Hustling