Entries from January 2010
Sno my goodness!
Snow fell in Miami, Florida. According to Wiki, it is the only time in the city’s history that snow fell. So take that, everyone complaining about the cold. That’s right even you, strawberry farmer’s! Quit griping and tend your crops. I can’t sprinkle your frustrations on my summer salad, so stop growing them.
The Aleutian Low was to blame in ’77, though at first many assumed Steve Martin was shooting a movie in the area. See below right for what Steve Martin did to Pasadena during “Father of the Bride”.
There's snow business like show business who has no business in snow
Why do I know all of these facts? My mother was a weatherwoman. Was she a better weatherwoman than Sam Champion? Yes. But was she a blonder weatherwoman? I doubt there will ever be. That gal should be shilling toothpaste in her breaks on Good Morning America.
Categories: Before and After
January 14, 2010 · 1 Comment
Comedy's Whitest Whale
The past few days have proven without a doubt the country is split into two distinct groups: Wheel of Fortune Watchers and Jeopardy Viewers. It is widely known that Jeopardy Viewers pretend not to watch any other television shows. However, it is even more widely known that the higher Conan O’Brien’s hair wave: the fuller the moon, the funnier his monologues, and the more he satisfies his audience—one that includes 85.4% of all Jeopardy viewers. (The remaining 15% of Jeopardy Viewers intend to watch Conan as well, but they are fast asleep in book carrels by 8 p.m.)
Yet the widest known fact of all, is the long-time feud Pat Sajak has had with comedy (and Goosebumps writer R.L Stine or as Sajak calls him, RLSTNE). Clearly, Sajak is behind this whole late night mess. I would refer to it as a “debacle” but Sajak overcharges for vowels, so for now I’ll call it a “clstrfck”.
What does all this mean?
Conan is the best. Leno is the worst. Sajak owes me $50. (And I’m still under legal obligation not to mention Trebek.)
****Update: Mr. O’Brien is taking a deal at Fox News (but for some reason he had to promise not to bring Max Weinburg.) Former Govenor Palin will take a gig on the Tonight Show at 12:05 a.m. She’s gonna use it to keep her eye on terrorists. And Russia. ****
Snippets of her monologue forthcoming.
Categories: Before and After
Save Ferris
Saw A Wonderful World over the weekend. It’s great if you love being really, really depressed. First by the plot of the movie, and then by the fact that Matthew Broderick isn’t talking about “isms” and dancing on top of a parade float. Speaking of, why didn’t MB ever go into politics?
Also, at some point Broderick and Cusack should really have an 80′s celebrity deathmatch Iron Chef America Whitehouse Grindhouse Roadhouse cagefight. And the winner should re-shoot the loser’s movies as the star. And we should erase the loser from our collective memory. Them’s the brakes of 80′s celebrity deathmatch Iron Chef America Whitehouse Grindhouse Roadhouse cagefight.
Categories: Bueller
Crustean in quotation
Well I still haven’t watched Super Chef: Cook to the Death because it reairs tonight. However, I have discovered that the secret ingredient is hope, which is bound to leave a horrible aftertaste. What it should have been is Utz’s “The Crab Chip”. I have been addicted to these for several months.
They are not made of crabs, but the bag design intimates you may just find one or two scurrying through your chips on their way to a weird eleven year old’s drawing. Apparently, they are flavored with Old Bay Seasoning, which is like Old Spice Seasoning, only spicier and you can’t use it as deodorant. So this is what the largest estuary in the United States tastes like? Unexpectedly delicious considering what it smelled like the summer I lived in dc.
Sadly, they don’t sell Utz’s “The Crab Chip” just anywhere. Only one of my five local grocery stores (that doesn’t include my seventeen local bodegas) carries them, and only sporadically. This is why I was on Utz’s website today, where the creepiest internet encounter I’ve ever experienced occurred. Click on the link, go to the site and wait about 10 seconds. You’ll see. I bet she knows the secret ingredient.
Categories: Edibile Exoskeleton
Orange you glad this isn' t Project Runway?
This is my confession: I’m really sad and kind of embarrassed that I have yet to view Iron Chef America Super Chef White House Battle to the Death Edition. I plan to remedy this tonight. Both camps brought their A team, and obviously, all of these pros are perfectly seasoned. I have high expectations, among them Alton Brown finally revealing his true nature as Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. Secret Ingredient? I’m guessing whatever it is gets strained through Mario Batali’s Crocs.
Categories: Croc Rocking
Oh Christmas tree!
Early this morning fighting broke out on the Upper East Side when a covert ops group “Secret Santas” made a pre-dawn raid on several stores with post-”Holiday” markdowns. No humans were harmed, but the streets are now riddled with lifeless Christmas trees. NYC residents cannot escape disturbing images like the one pictured left.
The War on Christmas has taken an ugly turn.
Ugly like, Bill O’Reilly kissing Glenn Beck. What? No that didn’t happen. It’s just a good example of something that would be really, really ugly. Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck making out every day all the time would be ugly. I’m not saying they do it. I’m just saying when Bill O’Reilly kisses Glenn Beck it will not look good. I’m sure you agree that if Glenn Beck is Bill O’Reilly’s lover, you will not buy the naked making out calendar that Glenn Beck and Bill O’ Reilly are definitely going to be producing for 2010 if they decide to become lovers.
It looks like Christmas stayed late this year.
And when you combine that with its predilection for coming early, Christmas has really awful manners. I’m not impressed, Christmas. You have a thing or two to learn about punctuality when it comes to being a guest. No wonder people declare war on you. Little known fact: the War of 1812 started when France brought Britain to the U.S.’s invitation-only ice cream social, 45 minutes early. James Madison was pissed and Dolly Madison made them eat only salt pork sundaes.
Christmas: the Salahi’s of holidays.
Categories: Why We Continue to Fight
Uncle Santa Wants You!
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Bulletin — 12:28pm Eastern Standard
New York City — Northeastern Front
The War on Christmas is paused…for now. The two camps officially entered a cessation of hostilities this morning. After a two month-long period of heightened aggression, this news was welcomed by Christmas defense groups anxiously watching liberals stockpiling holiday trees. My parents did their part for both sides by forcing their children to sing “Happy Birthday” to a baby Jesus figurine and not going to church.
The Gap, Inc. is brokering highly choreographed peace negotiations at their Flagship store on January 6th. Rumors circulate the song will be a mash-up of White Christmas and Prodigy’s Smack My B**** Up (the official War on Christmas anthem). Meanwhile, People Who Write Xmas, or PWWX, held several meetings last week debating splitting off into two factions: the lazy and the Christ-hating.
This war, originally heralded as the “liberation of Christianity from secular environments” has sadly become more and more about oil. We need to hunker down, defend against this war, and not lose sight of what’s important: using Christmas to sell things and alienate people.
Plant your victory gardens now because CHRISTmas 2010 is only eleven months away! When you’re weary just remember the holiday elves who are working round the clock to undermine America’s true religions: advertising and intolerance.
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Categories: Why We Fight
