Monthly Archives: July 2010

sorry bro

This is Just to Say I’m Tired of Sharing an Apartment with William Carlos Williams by Laura Jayne Martin

These got me through the MCAT, you guys!

So, you probably don’t know this about me, but I work at a fairly well-known University, as a fairly well-known Provost.  But before that, I rode the rails.  It was during this time that I figured out what America was all about, got my nickname (Haywire), and developed severe seasonal allergies.

I paid my way working as a short-order cook on the night-shift for any truck stop that would have me. What’s that?  Highways and railways are usually miles apart?  Don’t underestimate me.  How do you think I went from hobo to Provo? Pain and determination.

Also, these people don’t do background checks. Like any background checks at all; literally anyone could work for this University.  Seriously, name someone–I can get them a job.  Elizabeth Hasselback? Done. That Double Rainbow Youtube guy? Done. Your old yellow bean bag chair from your mom’s house? Assistant Registrar.

Anyways, the other day I took a bite of one of these Doritos Late Night All Nighter Cheeseburger, and it took me right back to my old days of slinging Blue Plate specials and Adam & Eve on a raft.  (While I’m on that note, let me tell you something, diner lingo is not exactly welcomed by the academic community.  Never ask a collegue if she wants anything “bloody”.  What am I just supposed to do, divine how she takes her coffee?)

Back to the Doritos.  They are legit.  They look like a corn chip, but taste like every burger I ever slapped cheese on to cover up the burnt smell.  You know how much I love Doritos Late Night Tacos at Midnight.  And I love these cheeseburger mutant-snacks even more! Or I did.  But then I started thinking about the tagline: “Bring on the night”.  Bring on the night?  What the junk?!

Are these Vampire Doritos?  Or even just like Adam Lambert-Doritos? (I don’t want anything from you, get off my back, Lambert!) Either way, are these Doritos going to nightstalk me, and fight other Doritos for the love of an inarticulate teenage girl?

Did these Doritos even finish high school? Will these Doritos wear my blood in an amulet around their neck? I kind of feel like they will.  Stay the hell away from these Doritos, man.

Do these Doritos want to sell me Etsy pills or something?  Probably. Who knows? Well, I’m not buying!

Listen, these Doritos are bad news.  Now, I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure Doritos Late Night All Nighter Cheeserburger keyed my car last Wednesday.  And I know these Doritos do whippets! And they also train Whippets!  These Doritos are training hounds to come kill us!

Doritos' Weapon of Choice

If I learned one thing from riding the rails—and supervising curricular, instructional, and research affairs at a fairly well-known university—it’s this: Watch the f out for these Doritos.

One Bread, One (Governing) Body

I know my faithful readers will remember I advised Justice Soto on her Confirmation.  I would be remiss if I did not do the same for SGK.

The Senate Judiciary hearings with Solicitor General Elena Kagan are over, but don’t worry the full season comes out on DVD August 10th.   This includes bonus footage of Ms. Kagan eating Christmas dinner with friends at a Chinese restaurant and behind-the-scenes bloopers of Sen. Arlen Specter referring to himself as a Whig (he just can’t stop doing this).

The confirmation process, however, is far from finished. There is still a full Senate floor debate and, of course, the Judiciary vote (text Kaga to 8779).  I am sure at times this is a harrowing ordeal for Ms. Kagan.  This is why I think it will be useful for me to share with her what I learned from MY confirmation.  You know just some tips for the blessed event, no big deal.

Hi Solicitor General Kagan!  First thing’s first, you have to pick a Saint’s name.  Don’t listen to any new wave dunces who advise you to choose your own name.   Do you really want to be Justice Elena Elena Kagan?  My younger sister is stuck with Emily Rose Emily for life.

I chose Barnabas, after Barnabas Collins on Dark Shadows. Laura Jayne Barnabas Martin, perfect; unfortunately this choice was promptly rejected by my parents, Father Midori, and Sister Francine—the head of the CCD Young Catholic education program.

So, I went with Michael instead.

Step two you completed head of time, which is so like a Princeton student (Good Job!).  You already have your sponsor.  I chose my aunt, but The President of the United States is okay too.  He’s not a Catholic but neither was Jesus (and the Vatican loves them both).

Now for step three, you just need a dress.  No matter who you are, you are not going to be Confirmed in a pantsuit (I tried).  I would try some of the nicer malls, like in Westchester—but if you’re crunched for time, just head to T.J. Maxx.

After your Confirmation, you should probably throw a big party at your house.  Watch out, your dad might try to get one of those cakes with your face on it! It will be decidedly less cool than a Bat Mitzvah and no one will get souvenir boxers.   Take heart, you will have a delightful time dancing (I know Sen. Coburn hates when you do this, but hey, it’s your Confirmation, not his!) and most likely a seat on the United States Supreme Court.  I hope this helps!