Pumpkin eater!

Looks like I strayed again.

No, Cuisinart didn’t “get” to me.  Just go read this new blog post I wrote for Postgradapartments.com/blog, the website that wants to broker you an offer you can’t refuse or something.  My column is apparently entitled “Tales of a Real New Yorker”.  This week?  I pay tribute to Big Buck Hunter in my own special way.  Put on your orange vest.

The Volkswagen Coke

Holy Cokes! I know I promised more Cuisinart tirades, but I’ve just received some breaking news.

Tiny Cokes are coming!

Coca-Cola’s North America Sparkling Beverages President Hendrik Steckhan said, “The Coca-Cola mini can is a great option for smaller thirst occasions and for calorie-conscious consumer. Our new sleek mini can supports the idea of moderation and offers people yet another way to enjoy their favorite Coca-Cola beverage.”

1.) How can I become a sparkling beverages president? My intuition tells me I will need an accent and a monocle.

2.) Finally, finally we are taking a step toward ending discrimination against people with smaller thirsts.  The were born less thirsty and they have the right to baby-sip their way through existence.  Life is theirs for the nursing!

I cannot wait to stamp my passport to refreshment.  I want to buy the world one of these, but unfortunately for the rest of the world the Shakira of beverages will only be available in NYC and DC, for now.  I will conduct a taste test and report the results.  In the meantime, start saving up for Eye Dropper of Pepsi, coming to stores March 2010.

Time's up.

Newflash: Maniac Murders Family via Arterial Plaque.

Why is he making three roasts for dinner? Really sir, kebabs as a side? Who’s going to finish that ham? Your 46 pound daughter? “Let dad school you on myocardial infarction.”  Clean up’s a snap? Sure, just dump her body in the trash and no one will distinguish between the bones of your victims and those of all the animal carcasses you fed them. Perfectly cooked alibis at the push of a button.

These next few posts will be devoted to the murderous arsenal that is Cuisinart.  “Cooking appliances for professional and home—assasins.” The holidays are upon us. Gird your pork loins.

* Eric Adams (D) — YES “This is about love.”
* Joseph Addabbo (D) — NO
* James Alesi (R) — NO
* Darrel Aubertine (D) — NO
* John Bonacic (R) — NO
* Neil Breslin (D) — YES
* John DeFrancisco (R) — NO
* Ruben Diaz (D) — NO “Sen. Smith, it is better to keep your word.”
* Martin Malave Dilan (D) — YES
* Tom Duane (D) — YES
* Pedro Espada (D) — YES
* Hugh Farley (R) — NO
* John Flanagan (R) — NO
* Brian Foley (D) — YES
* Charles Fuschillo, Jr. (R) — NO
* Martin Golden (R) — NO
* Joseph Griffo (R) — NO
* Kemp Hannon (R) — NO
* Ruth Hassell-Thompson (D) — YES
* Shirley Huntley (D) — NO
* Craig Johnson (D) — YES
* Owen Johnson (R) — NO
* Jeffrey Klein (D) — YES
* Liz Krueger (D) — YES
* Carl Kruger (D) — NO
* Andrew Lanza (R) — NO
* Bill Larkin (R) — NO
* Kenneth LaValle (R) — NO
* Vincent Leibell (R) — NO
* Tom Libous (R) — NO
* Elizabeth Little (R) — NO
* Carl Marcellino (R) — NO
* George Maziarz (R) — NO
* Roy McDonald (R) — NO
* Hiram Monserrate (D) — NO
* Velmanette Montgomery (D) — YES
* Thomas Morahan (R) — NO
* Michael Nozzolio (R) — NO
* George Onorato (D) — NO
* Suzi Oppenheimer (D) — YES
* Frank Padavan (R) — NO
* Kevin Parker (D) — YES
* Bill Perkins (D) — YES
* Michael Ranzenhofer (R) — NO
* Joseph Robach (R) — NO
* Stephen Saland (R) — NO
* John Sampson (D) — YES
* Diane Savino (D) — YES
* Eric Schneiderman (D) — YES
* Jose Serrano (D) — YES
* James Seward (R) — NO
* Dean Skelos (R) — NO
* Malcolm Smith (D) — YES
* Daniel Squadron (D) — YES
* William Stachowski (D) — NO
* Toby Ann Stavisky (D) — YES
* Andrea Stewart-Cousins (D) — YES
* Antoine Thompson (D) — YES
* David Valesky (D) — YES
* Dale Volker (R) — NO
* George Winner (R) — NO
* Catherine Young (R) — NO

So, you’ve heard by now that Oprah is ending her talk show in 2011.  But have you connected the dots?

She’s going to live her best life all over your face.  Do you think she had F. G. Palin on the show to promote Going Rouge? Do the math.  She was doing opposition research.  Oprah’s show finishes Sept. 2011, just in time for her campaign for President of the United States.  Oprah ’12! It’s finally happening.

I know what you’re thinking: how can Gayle King possibly have time to be VP when she’s too busy protecting parents from talking to their kids about self-stimulation?

Well, there’s something you should know. You might have heard Gayle King’s middle name was Oprah, but what you don’t know is Oprah’s middle name is Gail. Go ahead, rearrange the letters. That’s right, Gayle. They are, in fact, one person.  Have you ever seen the two of them in the same room? I didn’t think so.

Long story short, someone else is in line for VP.  Someone who knows a thing or two about a thing or two. Someone who Oprah can introduce with pride. Have you guessed yet?

That’s right.

John Traaavoooltaaa!!!

Political Mastermind

STOLEN BALLS! I don’t usually watch the Daily Show, but I do keep it on in the background when I’m tightening my doorknobs.  That is how I found out my Ball Post was stolen.  When I called the police to report my stolen ball post they kept insisting they could not help me. It turns out “212 hot cops” is not the number for any official NYPD precinct.  Disappointing.

totally prospering

I cheated.  I wrote a post for another blog! I can’t promise it won’t happen again.  Don’t worry I’m saving all my centaur jokes for you.

Total horse's ass

I am behind the times.  I’ve been playing catch up ever since I learned about exploding whales. Now I find out that playing baseball for the New York Yankees and winning the World Series was  Alex Rodriguez’s Plan B.  Plan A? Being a Centaur.

What else have I missed?  How can I stay on top of my game?  I’m just going to start making things up because, chances are some of it will be true.  Did you know Rush Limbaugh’s fingernails sprout arms and legs and run away after he clips them? Or that Matthew Modine is an incredible tennis player? Or that the inventor of Donkey Kong just married a 78th year old woman. The twist? The inventor of Donkey Kong is a 78 year-old woman.

While it is fun typing these completely random and fictitious statements as they pop into my head (Matthew Modine, why is he in my brain? I had to Google him after I wrote that sentence) I worry.  I am not worried about being sued by my ten readers or Shigeru Miyamoto.  I am worried about nailing it and then having the United States government after me.

I’ve seen The Net, so I know how these things go.  One minute you’re on vacation in Mexico,  the next your name is Ruth Marx and you’re a murderer!  For your own safety, never hold  ctrl and shift  while clicking Π.   These things happen all the time.  Don’t you know why Hitchcock made two versions of The Man Who Knew Too Much? Let’s just say the first version ruffled a few feathers.  And the second version groomed them.  And then North by Northwest ruffled them again.

Hitchcock double-ruffled the U.S. Government.

So they killed him.

Okay fine they didn’t kill him. But they did get Big Brother to beat him up good.  The twist? Big Brother is Alfred Hitchcock’s actual big brother, William J. Hitchcock, Jr.  His secret service codename? Centaur.

(Dun dun dun)

Yeah, you're right, almost *too* quiet...

Why do we have three prime-time shows about cake and only one about exploding whales?

Not one time in Cake Boss, Ace of Cakes, or Amazing Wedding Cakes have any of the cakes detonated.  I want it raining butter creme and Royal icing shrapnel all over Baltimore City.

Last night, I encountered something truly incredible: National Geographic Channel’s The Whale That Exploded[!]. Apparently, in January 2004, a 50-ton dead sperm whale took its own life.  It spontaneously combusted all over a Taiwanese City center through “its own internal forces”. (You see, Whales can’t escape death, taxes, or post-death internal forces.) This is worth watching for the re-enactment alone.

The story does have a happy ending though, thanks to the folks at Extreme Home Makeover.  They rebuilt the whale for a family who had not one, but two children with red hair.  The Malinowski family now enjoys their 8-bedroom bi-level ranch inside the former, former sperm whale.  Mrs. Malinowski thanked the folks at Sears, Ty Pennington, God, and the city of Tainan, Taiwan.  “It was as if an angel came down from Heaven and blew that dead whale up himself.”  Her one complaint? The seagulls persist.

For those interested in something non-miraculous, below is a video of a less-autonomous gut renovation.