NYP - The Food Network is available on most standard cable packages, unless they are currently in a lover’s quarrel with your cable provider. The channel airs programs that teach viewers the art of cooking various cuisines, while realizing Food Network’s larger mission of creating psychologically unsafe food fetishes throughout the general population.
For instance, most readers are probably unaware of this, but nougat is nearly fatally spellbinding. I recently walked in on my dog having a seizure. It turns out I had left the television on and she’d viewed an entire Food Network program about nougat. That’s right, she was spellbound into animal-seizure. However, this daring subject matter is where the cutting-edge innovation of Food Network is evident. Honestly, when was the last time any of us turned off the computer, walked outside, went to the park, picked up the phone, called a friend and had a really, really long conversation about nougat? Exactly.
Generally, Food Network is the perfect dinner companion—though I would not recommend that, in their early months, amateur television viewers not dive into watching while eating. As with any decent cold medicine, there are two Food Networks: Food Network In the Kitchen, which is on during the day, and Food Network Nighttime. Again, as with any decent cold medicine, the Nighttime version will aggressively impair your senses. Food Network Nighttime distinguishes itself from Food Network daytime, by offering more programs about food-related contests, as well as, more violence and sexually-explicit nudity.
The Network also provides programs that give viewers a behind-the-scenes look at factories, where unconditionally engrossing foodstuffs are produced—be forewarned that this includes nougat. It also presents programs that go behind-the-scenes at many restaurants such as Guy Fieri’s “Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives”.
Party in the back
For those unfamiliar, Guy Fieri is a bodacious lesbian who has overcome a debilitating second set of eyes in the back of her neck (which she often covers with Oakley sunglasses) to reveal a lust for life and anything covered in peppers and onions.
However, women do not rule the roost. There are virtually as many male Food Network personalities as there are female. For example, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew has several shows on Food Network, though he inexplicably refers to himself as “Alton Brown”.
What did you do with Beaker?
He also hosts “Iron Chef: America”, which is a program where two chefs compete to see who can most quickly and effectively poison a panel of three judges.
The most famous of all of Food Network personalities is Rachel Ray. Though a successful television personality, she lives on a meager salary of forty dollars a day. This is a pittance, considering the fact that she is the Network’s workhorse. She currently hosts no less than twenty-two distinct programs, which forces her to cook and consume all of her meals in thirty minutes or less. She refers to herself as a “cook” not a “chef”, because Sammie-making is not rocket science.
Sammie Davis Sr.
She does not need any highfalutin PhD-types telling her how to make a Sammie. Despite this contention, she has published several well-received journal articles on her hypothesis for the role of the condiment with application differentials for bread variety.
I must now shift my tone to describe for the readers the more serious side of The Food Network. In television viewing, there are things one should know and things one needs to know. The last six paragraphs notwithstanding, there is truly only one thing that one need to know about the Food Network.
That thing is: Paula Deen is trying to kill you.
Hey Paula
She’s trying to kill us all, more accurately. To be fair, Paula Deen is absolutely the nicest and sweetest psycho-killer one will ever encounter on cable television and she wants you to enjoy your (delicious, but short) life. However, make no mistake, she intends on causing your death by atherosclerosis. She’s really kind of psyched about it actually.
Case in point: most recently on her program, Paula Deen prepared some life-threatening macaroni and cheese using approximately nine pounds of butter, as well as something called “condensed butter”. This was just the beginning of the episode. She then sectioned the mac-and-cheese and wrapped it in bacon, so as not to take any chances. At this point, the dish had a survival rate of one out of every thousand people. Hoping to take out larger cities and larger metropolitan areas, Paula Deen, then covered the bacon-wrapped mac-and-cheese in egg yolk, dipped it in batter, and fried it. Paula Deen is shooting to kill—with a gun full of cholesterol.
After it was over, I felt noticeably winded standing up from my couch. I am not entirely sure it is safe for ones heart health to even watch this program. Despite this occasional peril, the Food Network is an excellent network for the beginning viewer, with a delightful variety of programming that is sure to please. The Food Network offers something for everyone; it really caters to the masses, except diabetics. The Food Network has no patience for your finicky antics so just deal with it, diabetics.
