Apartment Hunt 2009 continues and so far I’ve seen a few, but bagged none. I am a hunter, undeterred. I need to start thinking like my prey. Most people don’t realize that to catch an apartment, you need to think like an apartment.I start by standing very still and keeping my hands at my sides, like a wall. It helps if you’re very pale, which luckily, I am. I stand there for a while and envision how it would feel to have wires running through me carrying energy and information. I try to imagine what it would feel like to have a support system protecting me and reinforcing my structural integrity. Sometimes, when I’m very still I can almost picture these things. But sooner or later, I give that up and accept that I can never truly understand what it is like to be an apartment.Stalking your prey is a delicate task that must involve a willingness to sacrifice countless hours (on Craigslist) for one, perfect, hit. I want the pink mist. And then I want to clean that pink mist off my drinking glasses with a dishwasher. So, I sift through poorly written advertisements with pictures that may not be of the “actual apartment”. I train my sights on one bedrooms lurking in the East Village. I stalk them in their habitat. I wade through “sun-drenched” and “sun-soaked” waters, until I am absolutely saturated in sunlight. Until I first hunted in New York City, I was unaware sunlight had a liquid form.
I email brokers and they leave voicemails or page me (what?) on my cell phone. They try to throw me off the scent with their inability to use the primary means of business communication. Guess what? I don’t want you to write me a letter with a fountain pen about the apartment either. Also, just for the record, please don’t draw me a picture of the apartment on an Etch-A-Sketch and then send it to me via UPS ground.
However, my resolve is true and thankfully camouflage and war paint are not entirely out of place on St. Marks. Someday soon I’m going to catch my quarry and it’s going to have hardwood floors and be within walking distance of the subway. Until then: I will wait. I will wait for you in the tall grass (of Tompkins Square Park.)
