Recent quarterly numbers show handbaskets are falling—and not where they should be. In the vehicular damnation game, handbags have surpassed the old guard and handbasket makers are scrambling to catch up. This is no surprise, as handbasket popularity has been plummeting over the past six months. The road to hell may be paved with good intentions, but you won’t see any handbaskets on it.
Mina Oakland, spokeswoman for handbaskets, commented on the shift: “We are not worried. There is an ebb and flow to these things. Right now people want the newest thing out there, but soon they’ll realize there is a reason things have been going to hell in handbaskets for thousands of years. That reason is quality.”
Handbags manufacturers view this shift much differently. Jim Sutton, president of handbags, described the situation: “It’s just plain common sense; one goes to hell in a handbag. I don’t climb into a grapefruit and ask it to take me to the moon. Also, it’s a simple case of name-recognition—who even knows what a handbasket is anymore. When people look at a handbag, they know what they’re looking at. More importantly, when they’re inside a handbag, they know what they’re inside of—and they know in their hearts, they’re going straight to hell. It’s comforting.”
Analysts say this dip was expected and could extend to next quarter as handbasket numbers are still recovering from last year’s recall. “No one wants to ride to hell in something flammable,” says Noel Miller, chief analyst for Markum-Daern, one of the top damnation vehicle ratings and research firms. Insiders speculate handbaskets will make a significant adjustment to their current advertising and marketing campaign, but some analysts fear this will be too little too late. Noel Miller explains, “They need a game-changer”.
However, the reaction from the handbasket camp is understated. They point to corrections after past slippages from their position as market leader, and their long-standing hellcraft reputation. Ms. Oakland underlined this viewpoint in her most recent press conference: “Sure, we’re bothered by the new numbers, but they’re just numbers. We’re talking about a centuries-old tradition here. The handbasket legacy remains unblemished—it denotes rapid and utter ruination and it always will.”
Public opinion seems to agree with the latest financial reports as Bruce Jones, of Somerville, notes, “I don’t know what a handbasket is—I think it’s for Easter? In that case, it seems like something you’d go to heaven in, or wherever the Easter Bunny lives—Spain? He’s always given me a Spanish vibe.” Underwater basket weaving classes at many colleges have also taken a dive. Analysts see a trend emerging, as Mr. Miller notes, “Handbaskets are falling out of fashion and these are just the reverberations of that fall—one could even say they’re going to hell in themselves.”
Ms. Oakland counters that the support for handbaskets has been overwhelming. “People keep writing us letters about things that have recently gone to hell a handbasket. They couldn’t be more satisfied.” As for the new direction for an advertising campaign, Ms. Oakland warns it is a risky business. “It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. And we’d really like to be damned.”
