OTTAWA, ON—Calvin Cherry, 29, thought last Friday night at his house would be just like every other Friday night. However, Mr. Cherry was dead wrong. “My world was turned upside down,” said Cherry. “I am now questioning everything I know to be true. I never would have thought things could get so messed up so quickly. I feel like I’m on ‘Behind the Music.’”
Every week, Mr. Cherry invites the members of his recreational badminton team back to his place for pizza after their rowdy and pungent matches at the Goldhaven Sports Centre. The Cock Smashers are known for devouring Meat Supremes by the dozen during their post-match revelry. Last Friday night, though, was a different story altogether—not one inch of meat was devoured.
Several accounts maintain that the horrific situation stemmed from the addition of a substitute to the Cock Smasher roster, Dan Sanford. Mr. Sanford replaced Jim Ackerman who had a prior engagement last Friday with “some stupid crap my girlfriend claims she told me about three weeks ago.” Mr. Sanford seemed very promising, and held his ground against the top seed, playing an unrelenting and tactical game. “He was full-throttle from the moment he stepped on the court—it was like Charlie’s Angels,” described team coach Andrew Brady. “His fierce backhand sent the shuttlecock rocketing over the net. He was so aggressive; I’ve never seen a man come at the cock like that before.”
“We were very impressed,” agreed Cherry. “After Sanford’s match, everyone was ready to celebrate [the win].” Things turned sour, however, when the team arrived at Mr. Cherry’s home. “When the pizzas arrived, Calvin opened the boxes and everybody dug in—well everybody except Dan Sanford,” explained doubles champion, Russell Foley. Unbeknownst to the rest of the party, Mr. Sanford was born with lactose intolerance and was raised as a vegetarian. Additionally, he recently began a gluten-free diet to mollify his irritable bowel syndrome. These facts came to bear over the course of the evening.
“It was just ridiculous,” said Foley. “We offered him a slice. He wouldn’t eat it. I picked the meat off of one. He wouldn’t eat that, either. Finally, I took the edge of my racket and wiped everything off but the crust—still no. It’s like, you can’t please this guy.”
“Who is he, the Queen of England?” added James Ball. “Who doesn’t eat bread? It’s bread!”
Things escalated quickly and, with tensions running high, someone tore a hole in Mr. Cherry’s new La-Z-Boy recliner. Violence erupted, and contradicting stories told of Mr. Sanford kneeing Mr. Foley in the groin and Foley wiping tomato sauce in Sanford’s hair. All accounts agreed that Coach Brady was thrown though a screen door.
“I didn’t see who did it, but they had a strong grip on my trunk that impressed the hell out of me,” Coach Brady related. “These guys are badminton players. They’re gritty, tough and they’ve got a lot of physicality. You gotta expect this stuff.”
Mr. Cherry estimated more than eleven hundred dollars worth of damage to his home. When asked about last Friday’s events, he took a philosophical approach. “I don’t blame Dan Sanford. I don’t blame my teammates. Do I blame a world that gives birth to a person possessing the ultimate trifecta of social-function-annihilating dietary restrictions? I think we’ve all got a lot of soul searching to do.”
And as for the weekly pizza parties, Mr. Cherry replies, “Maybe, someday, when I can learn to trust again.”
