WASHINGTON, D.C—The National Security Agency dropped a huge bomb on their citizens this week. Their bold, geometrically-related bomb was the replacement of the terror advisory colour system with the terror advisory shape system. The change was announced at the agency’s weekly press conference.
“We’re going with shapes,” said NSA spokesperson Kalisha Demarest. “The colours, and their corresponding warning levels, were not easily discernible for the general public. Some people associate red with love and green with illness. These associations are subjective and, regrettably, were overlooked whilst developing the Homeland Security Advisory System.”
“For example, we heard from a woman in Boston who duct-taped her windows shut when the threat level was raised to aqua last year. That type of terror response would only have been appropriate for a colour warning of at least magenta.”
“Another problem is that the old system endangered the colour-blind and, also, the blind. This is a move toward both safety and clarity,” added Demarest.
The original system had nine threat colour levels, with six sub-hues. Despite a vigorous advertising campaign (that included the introduction of terror threat flavours), the system flopped. “It totally bombed,” conceded Marc West, Chief Designer at the NSA Department of Instigation Insignia. “That said, we focus grouped the heck out of it. It’s a fact that the threat of nuclear attack tastes like tangerine nine out of ten times. That result is as airtight as a HazMat suit. There’s a science behind these things; we didn’t just pick citrus fruit out of a hat. We absolutely did not just randomly assign colours and tastes to different disaster scenarios. We believe that we’re doing good work here.”
The new shapes are now in effect, although when the transition occurred is difficult to pinpoint. When asked which system was officially active during the press conference at which the announcement was made, Demarest appeared uncertain: “You mean, right now? Like, at this very moment are we using shapes or colours? Colours. No, I’m sorry wait, what? Right now? Shapes. At the end of the sentence I uttered two lines ago, we transitioned to shapes. Hang on, Hank’s telling me something. Ladies and Gentlemen, I just became aware of new information that leads me to believe that, up until the end of this press conference, we are using both shapes and colours—the overlap is a security measure. We are currently at threat level pink trapezoid.”
Public response to the new terror shapes has been mixed. Daniel Milford, 66, of Scotch Plains remarked, “I understood the coloured threat advisory system easily; green means go ahead and hide in the basement, peach means suspicious package, and red means fire—as in go relax by the fire, there’s no chance of a terrorist attack tonight. Pretty simple to me, and I’m just a retired bus driver. You just have to pay attention and read, I’ve always read a lot.”
When asked for the agency’s prediction on how successfully the country will adapt to the new shape terror advisory system, Demarest responded, “These new shapes are terrific and our citizens will find them noticeably more comprehensible. This new system just makes sense.”
“I think we can all agree there’s nothing more terrible than a rhombus,” Demarest continued. “I don’t ever want to announce that we’re at threat level rhombus, because I don’t ever want to be at threat level rhombus.”
