The headline of this is the prompt the Onion gave me that time I applied and was rejected. I’m pretty sure every human applies to the Onion at some point–especially those with friends to convince them–so you’re probably familiar with it.
NEW DEADLY, ADORABLE SUPERVIRUS SWEEPING JAPAN
REPORTER
A deadly supervirus is sweeping Japan, killing thousands. This new virus, dubbed by scientists “Mini Funky Fresh disease” debilitates the Central Nervous System causing hyper-production of fluorescent proteins in the body. Victims appear as if covered in glitter while their bodies unexplainably miniaturize. The condition is usually accompanied by the growth of whiskers and a tail. [Graphic: Japanese teenager rotating in space shrinks down to the size of a doll and sparkles. A tail pops out and he immediately begins chasing it.] The virus, which transmits through contact with contaminated skin, is spreading across Japan at an alarming rate. Ironically, due to the unusual symptoms the entire country is smitten with Mini Funky Fresh disease, Vogue Japan listed MFF on its top five “must haves” for the Spring season. In short: Japan loves this killer cutie.
REPORTER
Fourteen-year-old Mao Asata used to love Hello Kitty. Now, thanks to Mini Funky Fresh disease, she IS Hello Kitty. Her mother, Akira, tends to her tiny daughter while the rest of the family looks on mesmerized by her lethal shimmer.
AKIRA
MFF sufferers need to be quarantined but, it’s hard to hide them because they look so cute. People just want to squeeze them to death and they do. I have to cover Mao with a blanket so the neighbors won’t get sick; we have bay windows.
REPORTER
This scenario is why the highly contagious infection is spreading like wildfire, a chubby-cheeked cooing-infant wildfire. Throughout Japan, there are nearly as many instances of fan clubs for the disease as there are cases of the disease [FOOTAGE: Screaming fans with “MFFanatics” t-shirts] Akira’s older son, Ban is also stricken with MFF. Sadly, his illness progressed much more rapidly; he’s already microscopic.
REPORTER
Doctors blame the constant urge to cuddle the afflicted with nearly all the new infections of Mini-Funky Fresh disease. This attraction to horrible cute things is caused by a psychological phenomenon to which Japanese people are genetically predisposed; it’s called “Pikachu Mangainia Superior”. Normally, people with this genetic predisposition stand a one in five chance of death by cuteness. Scientists say it is this genetic misfortune causing Mini Funky Fresh disease to tear across the island leaving a wake of death and admirers.
REPORTER
The outbreak began last week in Gifu and Nagoya, and within days it has spread southeast along the coast and then back northeast to Tokyo. There have also been cases reported in Maebashi and in the Washiba-Kumonotaira section of the Northern Japanese Alps. [GRAPHIC: Connects these cities on the map to depict a smiling face]
REPORTER
Hospitals are at capacity with sell-out crowds. There are also quite a few sick people present. [FOOTAGE: Pocket-sized, whiskered Japanese man runs past with adoring crowd in hot pursuit] Scientists are baffled by the mystery of how to cure—or even contain—this aggressive, yet endearing, disease. Microscopic analysis shows the cells may actually be tiny robot babies with mini-backpacks of phospho-proteins. Dr. Tamiko Ota of the Japanese Infectious Disease Institute discusses effort to control MFF.
OTA
We have teams of researchers working round the clock in shifts to analyze every shred of data. In order to create a vaccine, we must determine the source of the outbreak. The first fifty-eight cases of MFF were all tweens. Over the past few days we tested everything tweens love: key chains, cell phones, mini cell phones, mini key-chain cell phones—with no results. We plan to test the fur samples from patients’ tails; I am hopeful to discover the trigger of the bioluminescent protein production with these tests. Discovery of the trigger will lead us to a viable treatment.
REPORTER
The World Health Organization plans to deploy an advanced team of specialists to assist in the critical search for a vaccine, as well as blindfolds as a preventative measure for the healthy. There are several other humanitarian relief efforts underway. Our hearts go out to the super-cute victims and their families.
0 responses so far ↓
There are no comments yet...Kick things off by filling out the form below.