July 1, 1867 The Dominion of Canada was born. Canadians decided not to start celebrating this holiday until 1917–to give England time to get over the break up. Canadians are THAT nice. (If you are reading this and you are a seal, it could be unwise for you to generalize; there are at least 15,800 Canadians with whom you will never see eye to eye. That’s not entirely accurate–the two of you might lock eyes just before they blow your brains out. Stay sharp, seal¹², stay sharp.)
I recommend visiting Canada. Before you go, I recommend memorizing the names of all of the Canadian prime ministers. I did this before a trip to Toronto and this gesture of goodwill was repaid ten-fold (twenty-fold Canadian). I was presented with a maple leaf crown and an Arcade Fire CD. Plus, everyone spoke to me in English–to make me feel more at home.
Whilst I was in Toronto, I visited the Distillery district where I sampled delicious beer and witnessed the segue gangs, which have quietly³ become a real problem for that neighborhood. I also saw many other beautiful, fun, and delicious parts of the city–but there was something I loved most, even more than Laura Secord (and that’s saying a lot).
This is the thing that will keep you coming back to Canada time and time again, it will hook your heart like heroin, and it will come into your bedroom late at night and wake you shouting in French. That thing is: Shreddies.
Thank you Canada Merci Canada.
(I prefer the new diamond ones, myself)
1. If you are a NAVY seal, your odds of surviving this showdown increase dramatically
2. If you are Heidi Klum’s husband: I can’t make any promises I am unaware of your marksmanship or hand-to-hand combat skills. But why are you in the Gulf of St. Lawrence?
3. Segues make no noise.