I’ve been waiting all my life for you, Doritos, Late Night: Tacos at Midnight. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked at my 12am taco and thought “why aren’t you more portable?”
I have a few questions. I’m 27, am I going to get carded if I try to buy these in a store? Or can you only get them from a cart outside Washington Square Park? Is there an even seedier way these can be packaged? What about a three pack in a fishnet stocking? What about attaching a condom and cigarette to the back? Give them away free to any motel guest using an hourly rate? I’m just spitballing here.
If Quentin Tarantino directed Doritos instead of movies then they’d all look like this bag (and they’d taste like uncooked meat). My last statement was more than just not a compliment; it was also a thinly-veiled criticism of the aforementioned director, his aesthetic, and the snack-food packaging. If I were to make a snack-food name out of my last sentence it would be “Tarantino, Sucks Hard: Slick Doritos with MSG”.¹ However, the double-subtitle shows me you care enough to write me a haiku on every package. More than that, you’ve made it possible to experience a late-night taco run in the daytime. I will need to find something else to dream about now.
1. He really only sucks mildly, except Death Proof, that sucked Cool Ranch.