Honestly, Raphel is not that cool.

Pizza enthusiasts

And he’s kind of a jerk.

This may or may not be my backpack from childhood.  I may or may not have passed it down like a family heirloom.

Is it more picture-worthy than a Strawberry Shortcake sleeping bag or Dukes of Hazzard¹ sleeper pjs, or an E.T. pillowcase?  No.  But all of those treasures are lost, sadly.  This is probably a good thing because I don’t think anyone could have convinced me that I grew out of those D of H pajamas. And one look at that sleeping bag would convince me I’d been roofied. See for yourself:

Nice Dreams

Her friends were Angel Cake and Ginger Snap.  (munchies?) And oh yes, Plum Puddin’,  the first transgendered American Greetings character (hopefully not the last) who identified as a boy in the t.v. special but transitioned to a girl as a doll.  Sadly, some didn’t make the figurine cut, namely, Raisin Cane.  I’m going to admit this to you now: I wanted to BE Lime Chiffon.  Who is now called “Lime Light”?  Travesty.

Actually, there were a lot of disconcerting inconsistencies.  The dolls’ heads were supposed to smell like their namesake flavor, but they all smelled the same.  Coincidence?  Raspberry Tart, or Torte by the time she became a doll, had a pet monkey who morphed into a raccoon?  (Here, now she has a raccoon…Don’t ask any questions!) Apple Dumplin’s turtle, Teatime, was replaced by a suitcase or something.  How am I not supposed to feel like this is some sort of dessert-themed conspiracy?  You can’t hide behind that red velvet cake curtain forever!

1. The original, Dukes of Hazzard.  John Schneider, yes. Sean William Scott, no.