To Gillian President Obama on her his 37th 48th birthday:
Hi Guy! Happy birthday! I thought a lot about what to get you. Some people made jokes: “oh, you should get him Congressional approval of Judge Sotomayor” or “beer of the month club!”¹ or “give him the ability to root for the Yankees AND the Mets”. One person just shouted “invisible!”, but I’m still not sure if they were talking to me. However, birthdays are far from a laughing matter, so I ignored their advice as if I were the American public and they were announcing a new healthcare initiative.
Gift number one, pictured left, I found in Sky Mall. Most people have forgotten at this point that you have a dog. I haven’t. This also comes in an ottoman or a hamper. Or mini fridge. You stow your full size pet in the bottom and your red pepper hummus on top.
This seemed more like a gift for Bo than for you so, I kept looking. I went into Rave, but I realized that store doesn’t exist anymore. (Maybe it never really did?)
I tried the Amazon.com gift forum but no one answered my query. I looked on giftfinder.com but they stumped me by asking me if you’d prefer a mouthwatering meal at your favorite restaurant (after a secret service taste-test.) or a burger and an ice-cold beer? Why are you so many things to so many people, sir?
I settled on an Edible Arrangements Floral Fruit Basket, but only so I could remind the world that my sister once sent one of these to herself. How hungry does one have to be to make that phone call? I blame sudden-onset scurvy.
Have a delicious birthday, Mr. President. Try the chocolate-covered bananas. They taste like legislative victory! The grapes taste like grapes.
1. For those keeping score at home, I’m finished making jokes about this incident and have moved onto making jokes about people who are still making jokes about this incident.