Home Phoned

Call it off

I have been getting calls all day long. This is really frustrating because I have a job.  At first, I thought it was President Obama, but it wasn’t 3 a.m.  We have kind of a phone chain thing, just in case of emergency, or snow closings.  It starts with Tim Gunn, then he calls Anderson Cooper who calls the rest of CNN, Oprah and Kate from (J&K+8)-J.

It’s Oprah who calls Gayle King, Nate Berkus, and President Obama.  Yeah, that’s right, it was Oprah calling in all those scary campaign commercials.  They just got even more scary didn’t they?  Plus, she’s pissed because they didn’t give her Chicago the Olympics. Better pick up, or the next thing the studio audience finds under their seats is gonna be you! (in a million little pieces.)

Back to the phone chain, Oprah calls President Obama who calls me, the Speaker of the House, and that long-haired male model from TMZ.  But it wasn’t even 3 a.m. or 2:45 a.m. (What’s scarier than terrorism?  Terrorists who are always 15 minutes early.  YOU try fleeing in a bathrobe and no makeup.  The invitation said 8 p.m. for a reason.  I’m no Dolly Madison; you show up early to burn down my house and there’s not gonna be any dinner.)

So this time, it wasn’t the President calling about overly-punctual terrorists, or a two-hour delay.  My phone was ringing constantly and from a blocked number too, annoying.  I had a couple guesses: scorned lover? bill collector? scorned bill collector? All wrong.  And really, I should have known.

It turns out, it was history.