I am behind the times. I’ve been playing catch up ever since I learned about exploding whales. Now I find out that playing baseball for the New York Yankees and winning the World Series was Alex Rodriguez’s Plan B. Plan A? Being a Centaur.
What else have I missed? How can I stay on top of my game? I’m just going to start making things up because, chances are some of it will be true. Did you know Rush Limbaugh’s fingernails sprout arms and legs and run away after he clips them? Or that Matthew Modine is an incredible tennis player? Or that the inventor of Donkey Kong just married a 78th year old woman. The twist? The inventor of Donkey Kong is a 78 year-old woman.
While it is fun typing these completely random and fictitious statements as they pop into my head (Matthew Modine, why is he in my brain? I had to Google him after I wrote that sentence) I worry. I am not worried about being sued by my ten readers or Shigeru Miyamoto. I am worried about nailing it and then having the United States government after me.
I’ve seen The Net, so I know how these things go. One minute you’re on vacation in Mexico, the next your name is Ruth Marx and you’re a murderer! For your own safety, never hold ctrl and shift while clicking Π. These things happen all the time. Don’t you know why Hitchcock made two versions of The Man Who Knew Too Much? Let’s just say the first version ruffled a few feathers. And the second version groomed them. And then North by Northwest ruffled them again.
Hitchcock double-ruffled the U.S. Government.
So they killed him.
Okay fine they didn’t kill him. But they did get Big Brother to beat him up good. The twist? Big Brother is Alfred Hitchcock’s actual big brother, William J. Hitchcock, Jr. His secret service codename? Centaur.
(Dun dun dun)