Pittsfield, New York — A Bengal tiger is pursuing serial and clandestine extramarital affairs throughout Upstate New York. Julian E. Reynolds, an 8 year-old panthera tigris tigris, has already impregnated two formerly decent, married women of Pittsfield and is reported to have engaged in “romantic friendships” with several other women in Cardtown, Amblers Crossing and New Berlin.
Lyla Shenck- Hamberton, who met Mr. Reynolds at the K-Mart in Morris, said he was “charming, but aggressive”. Mrs. Shenck-Hamberton said “I went in for a bottle of Tide and this large jungle cat in an Ed Hardy T-shirt starts asking me about fabric softener. Then he suggested we drive down to Oneonta to grab a drink ‘some place classy’. I told him I’m married and he started saying how he ‘just needs to talked to someone about his fear of extinction’. He seemed like a real predator”.
Mr. Reynolds was spotted (and striped) yesterday getting gas in Sherbyrne. Pete Pazyniack, Mobil employee, recounted his exchange: “He said he was heading up to Utica because he was tired of ‘small-minded suburban chicks’. I asked him if he was okay with being a total scumbag. He was like ‘just let me live my life, man’. That dude slept with my step-mom, crashed my uncle’s catamaran into a dock and mauled Jimmy Thompson to death. What an a-hole.”