Uncle Santa Wants You!


Bulletin — 12:28pm Eastern Standard

New York City — Northeastern Front

The War on Christmas is paused…for now.  The two camps officially entered a cessation of hostilities  this morning.  After a two month-long  period of heightened aggression, this news was welcomed by Christmas defense groups anxiously watching liberals stockpiling holiday trees.  My parents did their part for both sides by forcing their children to sing “Happy Birthday” to a baby Jesus figurine and not going to church.

The Gap, Inc. is brokering highly choreographed peace negotiations at their Flagship store on January 6th.  Rumors circulate the song will be a mash-up of White Christmas and Prodigy’s Smack My B**** Up (the official War on Christmas anthem).  Meanwhile,  People Who Write Xmas, or PWWX,  held several meetings last week debating splitting off into two factions: the lazy and the Christ-hating.

This war, originally heralded as the “liberation of Christianity from secular environments” has sadly become more and more about oil.  We need to hunker down, defend against this war, and not lose sight of what’s important: using Christmas to sell things and alienate people.

Plant your victory gardens now because CHRISTmas 2010 is only eleven months away! When you’re weary just remember the holiday elves who are working round the clock to undermine America’s true religions: advertising and intolerance.



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