Your OWN worst enemy

oh Canada

By “own the podium” do you mean you want to sail to the podium, purloin it, and colonize the indigenous podium-users?

I’m sorry Canada— because I really like you a lot— but the podium is not for sale.  However, you can rent it for a reasonable sum. I like that ultra lightweight, wheeled podium because it features your choice of two faceplates. Two faceplates!  And for 427.13 CAD! Or $405 US dollars.  Or for 3 man-made islands in Dubai.

Leasing the podium is another option.  Unfortunately, you’re no longer able to lease any podiums made by Toyota because they explode when you lean into the mic.

No, wait, I take that back–they’re totally safe.  Your Toyota podiums are fine.

Whoops sorry, your Toyota podiums are deadly!  They will kill you in your sleep. Please load your podium into a RAV4 and use it to give 5-10 more speeches on your way to return it to the dealer.

When asked about Canada’s plans Apollo Anton Oh!No! replied:

“I’m not so much gonna own the podium, as I am going to rent it by the hour and make sweet love to the Olympic Spirit all over it.

And then I will return to the rink to jackhammer the competition.

Also, I will trim my soul patch on it.”