Extreme Remakeover: 80’s edition

He's directing "Short Circuit".

This is very disturbing.  I’ve gotten some bad entertainment news.  It is not pretty for those 80’s children who don’t like their youthful memories stolen and sold to younger audiences, with their fancy cellular phones.  Luckily, my first movie in theaters was Disney’s Song of the South. I’m pretty sure they’re not pulling that one out of the Disney vault anytime soon.  Seriously, Birth of a Nation has a better shot.

Honestly, I’m not sure which remake I’m MORE upset about.

This one:

There goes an entire year of 6th grade social studies.

Or this one:

I wish my dad would buy me a classic 80’s movie and let me star in it.  I’d choose Ferris Bueller, hands down.  I’ve been waiting all my life to relive that, plus there aren’t enough girls named Sloan in the 2010’s.  Let’s bring “Sloan” back.  Everything else from the 80’s is already here.

Don’t you think for a minute that I forgot about Flight of the Navigator either, scumbags.  Also Footloose and Robocop,  all are slated for 2011!  Directed by Michael Bay and Darren Aronosky? What the hell is wrong with you people.  Somebody’s Sunday shoes are gonna get kicked off through their partner’s skull….in slow-mo…in reverse.

Go ahead and try to remake ET.  I’m one step ahead of you bastards.  I hid that clammy alien so deep inside my closet you’ll find a Republican senator first.  And if you do, please ask him to leave.  The government’s promised me numerous times they would stay out of my bedroom, but it just doesn’t seem to stick.  Maybe I should get it in writing.