Snack Attack

These got me through the MCAT, you guys!

So, you probably don’t know this about me, but I work at a fairly well-known University, as a fairly well-known Provost.  But before that, I rode the rails.  It was during this time that I figured out what America was all about, got my nickname (Haywire), and developed severe seasonal allergies.

I paid my way working as a short-order cook on the night-shift for any truck stop that would have me. What’s that?  Highways and railways are usually miles apart?  Don’t underestimate me.  How do you think I went from hobo to Provo? Pain and determination.

Also, these people don’t do background checks. Like any background checks at all; literally anyone could work for this University.  Seriously, name someone–I can get them a job.  Elizabeth Hasselback? Done. That Double Rainbow Youtube guy? Done. Your old yellow bean bag chair from your mom’s house? Assistant Registrar.

Anyways, the other day I took a bite of one of these Doritos Late Night All Nighter Cheeseburger, and it took me right back to my old days of slinging Blue Plate specials and Adam & Eve on a raft.  (While I’m on that note, let me tell you something, diner lingo is not exactly welcomed by the academic community.  Never ask a collegue if she wants anything “bloody”.  What am I just supposed to do, divine how she takes her coffee?)

Back to the Doritos.  They are legit.  They look like a corn chip, but taste like every burger I ever slapped cheese on to cover up the burnt smell.  You know how much I love Doritos Late Night Tacos at Midnight.  And I love these cheeseburger mutant-snacks even more! Or I did.  But then I started thinking about the tagline: “Bring on the night”.  Bring on the night?  What the junk?!

Are these Vampire Doritos?  Or even just like Adam Lambert-Doritos? (I don’t want anything from you, get off my back, Lambert!) Either way, are these Doritos going to nightstalk me, and fight other Doritos for the love of an inarticulate teenage girl?

Did these Doritos even finish high school? Will these Doritos wear my blood in an amulet around their neck? I kind of feel like they will.  Stay the hell away from these Doritos, man.

Do these Doritos want to sell me Etsy pills or something?  Probably. Who knows? Well, I’m not buying!

Listen, these Doritos are bad news.  Now, I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure Doritos Late Night All Nighter Cheeserburger keyed my car last Wednesday.  And I know these Doritos do whippets! And they also train Whippets!  These Doritos are training hounds to come kill us!

Doritos' Weapon of Choice

If I learned one thing from riding the rails—and supervising curricular, instructional, and research affairs at a fairly well-known university—it’s this: Watch the f out for these Doritos.