So, you’ve just come home from a marathon Bright Eyes concert to discover your dog’s possible attempted suicide. That’s what we’ll call it for now, at least. Sure, sure, you don’t remember leaving any snacks in your backpack and it just somehow ended up on the floor. And you just happened to decide to attend an interminably long emo-rock concert on this particular night—because people just love Bright Eyes live. His trendy pubescent voice makes the perfect alibi—not that you need one.
Now, let’s take a gander at that riddle of a Ziploc baggie. You know, the one lying on the floor over there, giving us a Sphinxian wink. There are still raisins left inside, but the two and a half entry holes raise a lot of questions. Did she eat one raisin? Two? Forty-five? Who knows? You don’t know! I don’t know! And she’s not talking!
Oh, I’m sorry, is that light getting a little hot for you? Why are you sweating? Your dog’s not sweating. She’s just smiling away, happy as a clam. That is, if that clam had potentially ingested poisonous foodstuffs.
So what’s your next move, hotshot? You’d like to call the vet would you? Well, it’s 12:45 in the a.m. Exactly how late does your vet usually stay open? Is your vet inside a piano bar? Does your vet operate a bodega? Is it some kind of private vet for Mafioso pets that get shot up during drug deals gone awry and can’t risk going to the ER because they ask too many questions? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
No, it’s fine. I totally believe you love your dog and this wasn’t at all premeditated. That’s why you’re Googling “can raisins kill dogs?” right now, instead of moving forward with the contingency plan any good pet owner would already have in place. Meanwhile, your dog sits there like a fucking canine Mona Lisa. No, don’t look at the dog—she’s not going to tell you what to do.
What’s that? There’s a poison control number for dogs? You don’t say. Okay wise guy, maybe you’ll just give them a ring. Sure, the dog looks fine—hey pal, I’m not the one you have to convince. I sure hope that Bright Eyes was worth it.
There’s a sixty-dollar donation to speak to a vet? Let’s just call that your carelessness tariff. Besides this will go a long way in building a case for your innocence. Oh, I know you weren’t thinking about that, but maybe, just maybe, you should be.
Pardon? They’ve advised you to induce vomiting by mixing hydrogen peroxide with peanut butter? No, I trust you. It totally makes sense that they would tell you to pour some more poison down her gullet. You don’t have any on hand? And your peanut butter was just recalled today due to salmonella? Why don’t you just throw her in front of a truck! It’s pretty convenient that out of two life-saving household staples you don’t have one and the other is contaminated. That’s okay; these aren’t precious minutes or anything—just run to the store.
That was fast—almost too fast. Well, she certainly seems to be enjoying this concoction. She looks like she’s having the time of her life, really. Speaking of life, how much is that insurance policy you took out on her?
Uh oh, she still hasn’t vomited. What’s up now, Einstein? What do you think Bright Eyes would do? No, I’m sure you’re doing the right thing by waiting this long to call back pet poison control. It’s only your dog’s life hanging in the balance, Pet Hitler! Look at her just wagging her tail happily. She has no idea of the stakes! The stakes!!
Who said anything about murder? I just said this must be killing you. It was a wise choice to bring her to the emergency vet. A couple thousand dollars later and it turns out there was no harm done at all. But you can never be too safe with this type of thing. No matter that when she purged there they didn’t find any raisins.
Wait a minute, no raisins? Did she just bite holes in the bag? What’s going on here? Is the dog mind fucking you? Who is narrative voiceover you’ve been hearing in your head this whole time, anyway? Did the dog Inception your brain?! Nah, couldn’t have been her, she’s been at a Bright Eyes concert this whole time.