Category Archives: Great American Insights

Free Veggie Dogs!

woof.

Every day I walk up and down Avenue A combing the street for black plastic milk crates full of free vegetarian hotdogs.   Every day is more disappointing than the next.  I can hardly put one foot in front of the other because everywhere I look: I do not see a black plastic crate full of discarded soy tubes.

It is becoming hard to get myself out of bed in the morning.  Sure, I have love, food, shelter, a great life, etc.  But do I have weird food—like an abundance of mysteriously abandoned weird food—that I could use to feed a lot of unsuspecting, or adventurous (TBD), guests at a some kind of maniacal Russian Roulette Backyard Barbecue?

No.

At least not until today.

Thank you torn cardboard sign for catching my eye.  I’m not sure why more menus aren’t printed on cardboard.  And thank you, person skulking around the East Village with a black plastic crate of veggie dogs that you don’t want for a perfectly legitimate reason.  What a magnanimous gesture; no one can accuse you of being up to no good.

Nice move leaving them next to a construction site, makes sense.  If only the hospital would finally approve the Veggie Dog Safe Harbour Dropbox.  So many of our black plastic crates of unwanted Veggie dogs end up in dumpsters.  It’s wrong.

Anyway, are you guys around this weekend?

I Don’t Like This Stuff.

You know what white people like? Having their blogs published as books.

White on!

So this guy wrote a blog called Stuff White People Like; mainly discussing activities and objects as a sort of mocking tour guide to “white people” .  It totally backfired.  You know why?  “Stuff White People Like” is exactly the kind of stuff white people like!

I decided to take this book as a survey.  The results say I’m Hapa and 1/16th Jeep Grand Cherokee.  My Caucasian Irish-Catholic  parents have some explaining to do.

Beer and pretzels

Too big to fail

Aside from keeping bar stools relevant for the last 700 years, beer and pretzels are delicious.  I just ate these beer and pretzel caramels from Littabit Sweets.  They are based in Brooklyn NY (Surprised? Please, look at how precious and self-important they are in their tight wrapping.  Also, you can’t tell from the picture but they’re listening to Animal Collective…for now).

The reason these caramels are the best idea ever isn’t because they combine pretzels, beer and caramel. It’s because they combine Martin’s pretzels, beer and caramel.  Martin’s pretzels are basically the greatest gift of all.  Whitney Houston wrote a pretty controversial song about them in the 80’s. (It was called “So emotional”.)

If President Bush choked on a Martin’s pretzel, the Iraq War never would have happened.  I guess what I’m trying to say is, this particular kind of pretzel is doing more for America than most U.S. Senators (and all of the House of Representatives). Please get these caramels into your mouth as soon as possible, if only to prevent further international conflict.

I got mine from Northern Spy, the restaurant everyone cares about (after the NYT article) named after the apple that nobody cares about. I would tell you how the dark chocolate, sea salt caramel is, but I do not know.  My eating partner warned me that I shouldn’t eat it because it is actually too delicious, and I would be opening Pandora’s box (of chocolates).  She fell on her sword like a true Greek hero and quickly devoured it.  I’m starting to question her loyalty.