Category Archives: Wintry Mix

Extreme Remakeover: 80’s edition

He's directing "Short Circuit".

This is very disturbing.  I’ve gotten some bad entertainment news.  It is not pretty for those 80’s children who don’t like their youthful memories stolen and sold to younger audiences, with their fancy cellular phones.  Luckily, my first movie in theaters was Disney’s Song of the South. I’m pretty sure they’re not pulling that one out of the Disney vault anytime soon.  Seriously, Birth of a Nation has a better shot.

Honestly, I’m not sure which remake I’m MORE upset about.

This one:

There goes an entire year of 6th grade social studies.

Or this one:

I wish my dad would buy me a classic 80’s movie and let me star in it.  I’d choose Ferris Bueller, hands down.  I’ve been waiting all my life to relive that, plus there aren’t enough girls named Sloan in the 2010’s.  Let’s bring “Sloan” back.  Everything else from the 80’s is already here.

Don’t you think for a minute that I forgot about Flight of the Navigator either, scumbags.  Also Footloose and Robocop,  all are slated for 2011!  Directed by Michael Bay and Darren Aronosky? What the hell is wrong with you people.  Somebody’s Sunday shoes are gonna get kicked off through their partner’s skull….in slow-mo…in reverse.

Go ahead and try to remake ET.  I’m one step ahead of you bastards.  I hid that clammy alien so deep inside my closet you’ll find a Republican senator first.  And if you do, please ask him to leave.  The government’s promised me numerous times they would stay out of my bedroom, but it just doesn’t seem to stick.  Maybe I should get it in writing.

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Sleigh Riding

That’s what I call it. You might call it “sleddin”” But if so you’re dumb. You might be what some people call “book smart”, or really good at one thing, like surgery, but that’s where it ends.  You’ve got no understanding of the wonderful world of Sleigh riding.

No, there aren’t any horses involved, why do you ask? This is my childhood sled, the one I used for Sleigh riding.

Never forget Paris

Well, this is the closest thing I could find.  It was orange and said “Paris” across the top but it was more square.  It also didn’t look disconcertingly like a dolphin.  It was however, from Paris, France where all the best sleigh riders hone their craft.

I like to think I was ahead of my time.  I broke a lot of barriers with my sleigh riding.  (I literally burst through a snow fence, a wooden plank, underbrush, and slid into traffic.)

I get misty eyed when I think about it.  While that may just be residual damage from frozen ice shards making microscopic slices in my young retina, I like to think it’s something more.

Like all childhood errors of unknown origin, the spirit of the recreational sleigh riding is bittersweet. At some point I realized the terminology I was using was completely wrong, but it still just sounds better.  It’s the same reason Manhattan isn’t flanked by  The East Tidal Strait and The Hudson Estuary.  Gandhi said “be the change you wish to see in the world” and I’m pretty sure he was talking about purposeful misnomer.

This incomprehension is making me thirsty

Holy Matrimony!

I remember the first time I had a Vitamin water. It was Spring of 2004 and they were being given away for free on Columbia’s campus.  I wanted a red but I got a white. And now I’m gay. Coincidence?

I took a sip, and I thought, “This tastes good, but where’s the confusing and awkward ad campaign?”

Well, the wait is over.  Today I saw this ad, which triumphantly makes negative sense—as in, there were other things touching the ad and now they don’t make any sense either.

The one for Chinatown is worse (or better, depending on your mood).  It implies you can’t get vitamins in Chinatown, where vitamins are like the fifth most prevalent thing after fish, tourists, knockoffs, and Chinese people.

Knock it off

You know what else they have in Chinatown? Fruit and vegetables. I’m pretty sure they’re an okay source of vitamins too, if you don’t mind chewing delicious substances.  Those are on every corner of Canal street; like if you punch in any direction, at any time, you’re gonna be elbow deep in nutrients.

If you start with the premise for Vitamin Water’s existence: It’s brand new: swallow the fun! Also, it’s essential: you’ve always needed it! (Or maybe our bodies have evolved since 1998 to require it?) Then, a baffling marketing campaign is really the only route to go.  I tell you, it worked for me.  I’ve even tried Vitamin Water: Hail (turns out it’s just a half frozen bottle of Aquafina).

Vitamin Water: Defense is my favorite flavor, but only because I’m positive it tastes like a dosage of Mary Poppin’s medicine.

My first time

Television: a lifestyle choice

Because of the constant Winter Olympics coverage and the fact that I never stop watching television, I’ve been exposed this NBC local newsmagazine called “Lifestyle TV” but abbreviated LXTV (because X’s are sexier?)

For New Yorkers, it is basically NY1, only on NBC.

For everyone else, it is somewhere between college and professional television jam-packed with topical information. Unfortunately, it is information you either easily find several other places, or that you will never ever need.  And not the good kind information you will never need, not the Unwrapped kind. This show gives you the “Magazine about the hotel your staying in, that’s only available at the hotel you’re staying in” kind of information. Television’s answer to “The Metro” newspaper.

Anyway, they have this segment on LXTV called “My First Time:”  Until now, I was pretty sure MTV owned the rights to “Possessive Title, colon”.

See: True Life: I’m a drug dealer; I’m a Teenage mom: at 16; Super Sweet Sixteen: Pregnancy remix; The Real Word: I’m on a t.v. show; Punked: Jackasses v. Idiots; MADE: I’m a pregnant cheerleader etc.

But I guess not.  Especially after Bravo! sued for the use of “Title, colon, geographical location”.

Now, I’m too tired to make fun of what I was actually going to mock.  It’s called “My First Time: I’m a Winter Olympian”.  Go to town: http://lxtv.com/my1sttime