This incomprehension is making me thirsty

Holy Matrimony!

I remember the first time I had a Vitamin water. It was Spring of 2004 and they were being given away for free on Columbia’s campus.  I wanted a red but I got a white. And now I’m gay. Coincidence?

I took a sip, and I thought, “This tastes good, but where’s the confusing and awkward ad campaign?”

Well, the wait is over.  Today I saw this ad, which triumphantly makes negative sense—as in, there were other things touching the ad and now they don’t make any sense either.

The one for Chinatown is worse (or better, depending on your mood).  It implies you can’t get vitamins in Chinatown, where vitamins are like the fifth most prevalent thing after fish, tourists, knockoffs, and Chinese people.

Knock it off

You know what else they have in Chinatown? Fruit and vegetables. I’m pretty sure they’re an okay source of vitamins too, if you don’t mind chewing delicious substances.  Those are on every corner of Canal street; like if you punch in any direction, at any time, you’re gonna be elbow deep in nutrients.

If you start with the premise for Vitamin Water’s existence: It’s brand new: swallow the fun! Also, it’s essential: you’ve always needed it! (Or maybe our bodies have evolved since 1998 to require it?) Then, a baffling marketing campaign is really the only route to go.  I tell you, it worked for me.  I’ve even tried Vitamin Water: Hail (turns out it’s just a half frozen bottle of Aquafina).

Vitamin Water: Defense is my favorite flavor, but only because I’m positive it tastes like a dosage of Mary Poppin’s medicine.